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A WORD FOR CUSTODIAL PARENTS

      I’ll give you the commercial right up front.  The word is ‘forgiveness’.

      We are coming into a time of year which many judges and courts dread.  It is called the holiday pipeline.  This simply means that courts are inundated with this suit or that petition filed by some custodial parents to keep noncustodial parents from either visiting with, or seeing their biological children during the major holidays.

      While the family court system differs from state to state, the basics are pretty easy to recognize.  Noncustodial parents are the ones who pay child support to the court and have visitation rights to their children arranged by court order.  Custodial parents are the ones who receive child support from the court and are supposed to abide by the court’s order for the noncustodial parent to spend time with their children.  This is the theory. 

      The reality is something else.

      While the law ‘states’ that custodial parents who interfere with visitation can go to jail, it is the noncustodial parent who must pay for an attorney and take the custodial parent to court to prove that they blocked visitation.  Of course, the custodial parent can ‘whine’ to the court: “IF my ex has the money for an attorney, why can’t they pay more in child support?”  Thus, the trick bag is established, and the noncustodial parent is made out to be the bad guy/bad girl for not ‘kicking in’ for more child support…as they are being ‘selfish’ in fighting for their visitation rights to be enforced.  Meanwhile—at the home of some custodial parents—the lie is spun that the noncustodial parent chooses NOT to visit the kids, all the while the custodial parent is blocking the noncustodial parent FROM visiting their kids.

      In my travels, I’ve worn a variety of hats and have covered the damage of this issue from multiple viewpoints.  I’ve talked with more than a few parents who have remarried and have had their new spouse ‘enlisted’ in the fight to help a noncustodial parent ‘win’ more visitation with their kids from a prior marriage.  I’ve been blessed to meet young people who’ve managed to meet their noncustodial parent who was denied to them because of the antics of the custodial parent.  There are other stories that I could tell, but they would serve to further prove my point—and why beat a dead horse?

      Some custodial parents care more about what their friends think rather than what is good for their children.  After all, their ‘friends’ want to see the drama unfold—while at the same time watching their OWN marriage and/or relationship ‘go down in flames’.  They are quite content to use their ‘custodial buddies’ in a way to vicariously live their bitterness through them.

      This is why some custodial parents need to practice forgiveness instead of bitterness.

      Custodial parent, there is coming a day in the future when the children that you withheld from their biological father or mother is going to resent you, as they grow up and face life.  They will grow up, move away, get married and realize that they had the chance to build bridges of reconciliation with their noncustodial parent…but YOU managed to ‘program’ them with negatives, verbal poison and lies AGAINST that parent.

      Then, they will do unto you what you did unto them and leave you alone in the process.

      Life is too short to wallow in bitterness and unforgiveness.  Sure, your marriage didn’t work out.  Your former spouse has moved on and—in many cases—remarried.  You’re getting that child support that you are due.  However, you are spending that child support on legal fees, mental health counseling and other unseen expenses FOR those children that you have kept away from their biological (noncustodial) parent.  It would be FAR cheaper for you to NOT block your children from the other parent—but your pride (and anger at them for divorcing you and marrying someone else) is blinding you.

      Time has a way of continuing.

      In my neck of the woods, I recall one Prosecutor who was on the side of the noncustodial parent.  He worked to make sure that custodial parents didn’t ‘block’ the other parent from seeing their children.  His rationale was quite simple:  IF the noncustodial parent could spend time with their children, they could see their needs ‘up close’ and be willing to actually pay MORE in child support without a court order, thus giving the courts a breather for more serious cases.  Although this Prosecutor lasted one term, he managed to see child support payments go UP because of his unique plan.

      I realize that there are a few out there who may be saying: “Yeah, but you don’t understand how bad MY ex is…”.  Balderdash!  You have a choice to either swim in the Hateraide, or you can give your kids access to their other parent.  Believe it or not, there are some ‘church going’ custodial parents who will ‘fall out and shout’ in church on Sunday, and disobey the biblical commands on forgiveness Sunday night—THEN wonder why God isn’t blessing their mess.

      Custodial parent: you can’t heal until you forgive.  You will remain stuck in place—and your bitterness will be passed on to their children; and their children’s children until you get bold in Jesus Christ and forgive the noncustodial parent, while the blood is running warm in your veins.  Forgiveness begins in Christ.  Meaning, you have to take up a true relationship with Jesus in order to understand His forgiveness of your sins, and His strength will give you the power to forgive others—starting with yourself and your ex.  Biblical forgiveness is strong and has no expiration date.  It will make you a better parent, instead of a bitter one.

      Your children are waiting for your decision.

      Mike Ramey is a Retired Minister, KJV Bible Teacher, syndicated columnist and Bible Prophecy Specialist who lives in Indianapolis, Indiana.  “The Manhood Line Rides Again!” is one of a variety of his columns appearing and abounding in print and cyberspace, written from a biblical, business, and common-sense perspective since 1996.  To drop him a line—or a whine—the address is still the same: mgmikeramey@yahoo.com.  ©2024 Barnstorm Communications International.